I had to sit down with a new family doctor today and have a very uncomfortable conversation about my mood disorder. Well, I didn't *have* to talk to him about it. But shit has been really bad lately, and I think it's time that I start getting some help. This was just an introduction visit more or less so that I could have a family doctor to see.
I had filled out some pre-admission paperwork and there were some boxes that I checked, namely anxiety and depression. That was step #1. Step #2 was "tell me about your depression and how thats effecting you".
I probably rambled for about fifteen minutes, and I left nothing out. It was just a dump of the past 20 years or so. How I have tried to build a career out of my problem of needing projects to work on. How I can actually witness myself behaving in these ridiculous ways, but still feel powerless in dealing with it. He asked if I have witnessed this behavior in my family, and I told him pretty much everyone on my mother's side. He asked if I had problems with insomnia. Yes. He asked how the depression comes and goes and how it affects my job and my family.
After all of that, he asked when I was diagnosed and what I was taking and I explained that I had diagnosed myself - and that I was prescribing myself whiskey to deal with the highs and lows.
With that, he wrote me a prescription for an anti-seizure medications. He says that this will flatten out my moods a bit and land me somewhere in the middle. I am a little nervous about taking the drug because I feel like it's going to crush the only elements of this disorder that I like (the 'highs'). But I have a six week follow-up to see how this works. He has also said he would give me something for the depression if I need it.
I am a little relieved already. Because I told someone about my problem. And it's the first time I have ever had the courage to do it. And he understood. That's a step forward I think.
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