Confessions (why am I talking to you)

Things I do when I don't know what to say.
1. Point my phone away from everyone and tap the home button. I have no email. No Facebook friends. Just a blank screen and the comfort of the light bump I get when I touch it.
2. I put on a movie. Wait for you to fall asleep and then stare out the window for four hours. Sometimes five.
3. I take a pair of tweezers and stab myself with them. My heart races. The pain comes to the surface. All the pieces fit for a moment.
4. Write things into notepad and close it without saving. Who the fuck am I talking to anyway?
5. I rehearse conversations in my mind. Over and over, until they go the way that I like.
6. I try to delve into work. Everyone thinks I'm an over committed workaholic. Truth is I just want to distract my brain and set it free.
7. I drink. And then I drink some more. It takes a swim with my medication and turns my gut into a painful gurgling mess. I close eyes and enjoy the feeling of floating. I am weightless. And soon I will be asleep. Tomorrow I will want to throw up. I don't care.
8. I post into a blog that I don't share with anyone. I want a friend. I search for something to hold onto. But you keep yourself busy. Some day you will be gone, and my life will truly mean nothing.

Come to me darkness (I am weak for you)

I want to tell you everything. About the weakness I feel inside. But would you want to hear it? Would I want you to hear it?

It gets so dark, and I don't know what to do with myself. I focus on trying to entertain myself. Because I don't want to *work* on anything, and that usually keeps my mind busy. And so I sleep. I sleep so much I feel like I am in a coma. But when I awake, my body is useless.

My legs shake from standing and walking.

My head feels like a full gallon of milk on a hot summer day.

My hands shake.

I don't know what to think.

I don't know what to feel.

So I think and I feel nothing.

And darkness envelops me.

Maybe I deserve it.

darkness, darkness (I wrote another song)

darkness, darkness, here we are again.

I talk to you, because you're my only friend.

And even though I fight with you, and drink until you're gone,

with darkness at my side I carry on.

darkness, darkness, how do I explain?

Let me help you, let me share your pain.

I want to feel the things you do, to make me real again.

darkness, darkness burn and bite my skin.

darkness, darkness, where do we go from here?

my throat has dried and I'm frozen with your fear.

I wish that when they looked at me, they'd see you standing there.

darkness, darkness help me hide my tears.

darkness, darkness, your power has me down.

To get much lower, we'd be under ground.

Hold my hand and stay with me, when no one is around.

darkness, darkness you're the greatest friend I've found.

darkness, darkness, daylight's come again.

And here I find myself without my friend.

Although I may despise you, and try to push you away.

darkness, darkness you got me through the day.

the dark of night envelops me (a love song)

I stand outside myself, and watch it all begin.
I wish I had a friend. This sensation doesn't end.
It only fades away at night and in the morning starts again.

You think I'm crazy, and I guess I think you're right.
But please don't laugh at me, I'm simply not up to the fight.
I'm losing touch again, tell me what to feel.
Don't look inside of me, and tell me that this isn't real.

You can shed my darkness, if I open the door.
But if I give into you, am I human any more?
I am unbalanced, my bones all ache with pain.
It's probably in my head, I wish I could explain.

I want to reach for you, but you don't understand.
This isn't what I planned.
I don't ask for much, let me hold your hand.

I can't be needy, and so I scream inside.
My former self has died.
I want him back at times, I need to take that ride.

Another lonely night. Staring at my phone.
I've been left alone.
I woke up in the dark, and made my way back home.

I want to be touched (even if provoked)

Some days I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, and filled with a cold painful darkness. I open it to show it to you, but you don't care. And the darkness seeps in. I slowly creep into your space. I want to feel your touch. I want you to reach for me. But you don't. And I am heartbroken once again.

Some days I wonder what you are thinking. When you stare off into space. Your hands between your knees. I touch your hands. I smell the oils from your cigarettes. I run my hands over your scars. And all the while I wonder what you are feeling. I want to be touched so badly.

Last night I lay staring at the walls. And I imagined putting my head in your lap. As I have so many times before. But it was different.   You put your arm over me. You ran your fingers across my scalp. And I felt love.

But it's just a warped fantasy.   And I am left alone in the dark with my thoughts. I try to think of the last time you came to me. And wrapped your arms around me. The last time you touched my face. Nothing comes to mind.

Tonight I will drink myself to sleep.   And I will throw myself at you. And you will shove me off. And it's okay. Because I am just tipsy. But I just want to be touched.

Take it or leave it (not sure that you care)

Ever the lap dog. I do my dance for you.
I touch your face, but you turn away.
I reach for your thighs, and you roll away.
Yet I dance for you. It's a waste of time.
Now I feel the pain of depression and I wonder what I was thinking.
And now I wear my dark cloak again.
My fears all come true. My paranoia is justified.

I used to think you were being defensive and unattached.
So hurt by loss that you pulled away from me for safety.
But that was so long ago. And now you know I will never leave.
I was an experiment. Something different and new.
But never what you *wanted*.
What will become of me when you have that chance. To get what you want.
Do you want me around? Do you need me? Would you care if I vanished today?
Given a new life without me, would you accept it?
I often wonder if you are only in live with the idea of having me.
I long for you. I lust after you.
But you loathe my affection.

Sometimes I fantasize about the life you would have without me.
How happy you would be.
How great the sex would be.
And my being gone wouldn't be so bad.
Because you could start your life over without the guilt.
No one would judge you.
I would become better to you.
Because your memories would play out like an old movie.
You would forget way that I pathetically cling to you.
Being a ghost wouldn't be so bad.

Why the Fuck isn't this whiskey working? (Saturday night blues)

How the hell am I supposed to remain upbeat?

You deny my advances for weeks.  My attempts are cute and pathetic to you.  And then you go off and pleasure yourself.  You have chosen masturbation over me.  You think I don't know.  I wish that I didn't.  I worship you, and you don't understand it. And sometimes neither do I.

Still I wonder what you must think of me.  When you shove me off, smile, and call me a dork.  It kills me a little inside.  I will forever be your dork.  But I want to be your fantasy. 

I want to be your fantasy.

I tried to pleasure you and the look on your face was complete disgust.  And so I stopped, hoping maybe I was misreading you.  But then you just went to sleep.  Jesus Christ I am pathetic.

I want to be your fantasy.

How can I become something else?  I spend my days solving complex problems with good research and critical thinking.  But I am lost here.  How can I give myself a muscular chest?  How can I lose some weight?  I starved myself for days and tried to make a weight set out of things I could hide in the basement.  But I only lost a few pounds and my chest doesn't look at all different.  Meanwhile I am sneaking weight lifting sessions between loads of laundry.  What the fuck am I doing?

What the Fuck am I doing?

If I work really hard for you, you will see it.
If I can make some more money I will impress and support you.
If I write you little card you will understand.
If I sneak you a kiss you will love me.

I want to be your fantasy.

I suppose this is when I should become bitter and try to find attention from some stranger on the internet as so many do.  But I could never betray you and it wouldn't fulfill me.

And here I am awake late on a Saturday night.  My anti mania drugs wore off hours ago and the dose of whiskey I choked down only further depressed me.

I want to be your fantasy the way that you are mine.  But I am just your pet.your dork.  Your sad little desperate joke of a man.