How the hell am I supposed to remain upbeat?
You deny my advances for weeks. My attempts are cute and pathetic to you. And then you go off and pleasure yourself. You have chosen masturbation over me. You think I don't know. I wish that I didn't. I worship you, and you don't understand it. And sometimes neither do I.
Still I wonder what you must think of me. When you shove me off, smile, and call me a dork. It kills me a little inside. I will forever be your dork. But I want to be your fantasy.
I want to be your fantasy.
I tried to pleasure you and the look on your face was complete disgust. And so I stopped, hoping maybe I was misreading you. But then you just went to sleep. Jesus Christ I am pathetic.
I want to be your fantasy.
How can I become something else? I spend my days solving complex problems with good research and critical thinking. But I am lost here. How can I give myself a muscular chest? How can I lose some weight? I starved myself for days and tried to make a weight set out of things I could hide in the basement. But I only lost a few pounds and my chest doesn't look at all different. Meanwhile I am sneaking weight lifting sessions between loads of laundry. What the fuck am I doing?
What the Fuck am I doing?
If I work really hard for you, you will see it.
If I can make some more money I will impress and support you.
If I write you little card you will understand.
If I sneak you a kiss you will love me.
I want to be your fantasy.
I suppose this is when I should become bitter and try to find attention from some stranger on the internet as so many do. But I could never betray you and it wouldn't fulfill me.
And here I am awake late on a Saturday night. My anti mania drugs wore off hours ago and the dose of whiskey I choked down only further depressed me.
I want to be your fantasy the way that you are mine. But I am just your pet.your dork. Your sad little desperate joke of a man.
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