Confessions (why am I talking to you)

Things I do when I don't know what to say.
1. Point my phone away from everyone and tap the home button. I have no email. No Facebook friends. Just a blank screen and the comfort of the light bump I get when I touch it.
2. I put on a movie. Wait for you to fall asleep and then stare out the window for four hours. Sometimes five.
3. I take a pair of tweezers and stab myself with them. My heart races. The pain comes to the surface. All the pieces fit for a moment.
4. Write things into notepad and close it without saving. Who the fuck am I talking to anyway?
5. I rehearse conversations in my mind. Over and over, until they go the way that I like.
6. I try to delve into work. Everyone thinks I'm an over committed workaholic. Truth is I just want to distract my brain and set it free.
7. I drink. And then I drink some more. It takes a swim with my medication and turns my gut into a painful gurgling mess. I close eyes and enjoy the feeling of floating. I am weightless. And soon I will be asleep. Tomorrow I will want to throw up. I don't care.
8. I post into a blog that I don't share with anyone. I want a friend. I search for something to hold onto. But you keep yourself busy. Some day you will be gone, and my life will truly mean nothing.