What My Brain Tells Me (subtitle: sulking depression)

Strange how you wake up sometimes with a song in your head, and you realize that you have been quoting it to yourself from the back of your mind.  Because something that you committed to memory, meant nothing at the time.  But suddenly, it's all makes sense and it's an undeniable truth.

Don't - tell me what I wanna hear
Afraid of never knowing fear
Experience anything you need
I'll keep fighting jealousy
Until it's fucking gone

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to prove I still
I still smell her on you

I buy you fancy toys so that you can enjoy yourself with them.  But I want to be your fantasy.  I want to believe that if I can become that thing that drives you crazy, it will make you want me.  It will make you lust for me, the way I do for you.  So I spy on you.  I abuse my skills to electronically spy on you so that I can know what you really want.  What you dream about.  Who you lust for.

But then I realize I can never be what you want.  I'm not the right shape.  Not the right color.  Not even the same class of human being.  And then my world comes crashing down on me, and my brain goes on reminding me that it's obvious that I am not what she wants.  That she needs her toys, and her fantasies to be fulfilled sexually.  And my poor attempts to recreate them are just awkward and unwanted.  When she gives herself to me - is it because it's what she wants?  Or is she only doing it for me?

I feel like I am becoming a ghost.  Just some nice guy that people knew.  My office is being remodeled, and I had to move out so that it could be painted.  I could have moved into a desk in the main office where all my old coworkers would have welcomed me.  Instead, I have locked myself away in a wiring closet where only a few people know to find me.  I sneak in and out of a back door for bathroom breaks and water.  I continue to do my job, and listen to music that I like.  But something is just not right.  I am wasting away.  And I want to waste away.

At first I was impressed by the weight I had lost.  Diets have always failed me, and suddenly the pounds were just dropping off.  I lost 20 pounds before I had noticed the change.  I had just thought that it was the new medication, and the drowsy effect it has on me.  But I now know realize that I have just not been eating, and this is a 'red alarm' for depression.

Signs of depression according to WebMD:

• Decreased appetite and/or weight loss, or overeating and weight gain
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
• Fatigue, decreased energy, being "slowed down"
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
• Persistently sad, anxious, or "empty" moods
• Restlessness, irritability
• Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts

I am not quite to the thoughts of suicide, but the rest of this is spot on.  The only part of myself that I could ever consider killing, is my attachment to you.  I fear that one day you will realize that you don't want me, and really never have.  I wonder if it will be someone else that you meet.  Or perhaps you will see that you love me, and need me (at least financially) but I am not what you want in life.  And God I love you.  And I need you so much.  But I would give you that freedom.  And I would leave you alone.  And I would know you could finally be happy with someone else.  And I would fade away.

Oh, and another song just came to me (if only it read 'you will love') ...

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved